ambivalence

First of all, I strongly debated putting this up. In the end, I decided that I should. It needed to be seen my others, and I just felt a kind of force telling me that I should; so I did, obviously. From my point of view, this could mean something different for each individual who reads it; as in you will interpret it or take it differently than the next person. Or you may just not even understand it. Any who . . . here it goes:

sit and wait. tortured by the thoughts. i wonder, i dream . . . yet they're more like night-mares: twisted images race through of what might . . . what could . . . what may very well come out of this.

i worry. anxiety consumes every part of me. this new emotion masks all of my others: the happiness, the joy . . . the love. i worry, thinking of what could happen.

should i talk? should i bring it up? should i ask about it? or maybe . . . maybe i'm overreacting. it could be nothing, maybe it isn't. yet am i in denial now? trying to push this . . . this . . . "issue" away. hide it from myself as if it's only a bit of dust. turn it into nothing when it could be one of the biggest problems.

waiting . . . again . . . now that familiar numbness has overcome all. i feel indifferent now. most all emotions faded away: drowned out by the numb. i know it is still there though. drifting below the surface . . . waiting to pop out again when i'm least prepared to face it.

nightmares. the nightmares are back. wreaking destruction in my sleeping mind. yet it's different . . . there is no noise. i see the wicked dream, but no one speaks. it's all . . feeling. i feel the anxiety. i feel the worry. i feel the love, lost and wasted for not being accepted. i feel anger. i feel sorrow. and fear.

i need to tell. to ask. to know. but . . . what if it goes wrong? i'll wait; it can wait. so for now, i push all of this away, deeper than i've ever pushed anything that troubles me. and i smile: hiding this from everyone . . . even myself. hiding it from him